One of the best parts of going to a Chinese restaurant is popping open the fortune cookies as the end of a meal. Even though these messages are random and unlikely to prophesize your future, there’s something exciting about suspending your disbelief. That thrill ends the moment you receive an outlandish fortune claiming you should rejoice over parking tickets, that you’re going to marry a competitive eater, or that calories don’t count when you’re alone. You’ll be entertained at how questionable these fortunes can be.
The Narcissist Fortune
One lucky individual cracked open a fortune that read “Your wisdom makes you superior to others.” If their immediate reaction was to completely agree, we would peg that person a narcissist.
Certainly, we all have a bit of an ego that makes us feel superior every now and again. However, this blanket statement isn’t one to be taken seriously. Plus, a fortune like that is practically begging to start a fight at the dinner table.
Trust No One
We would be feeling pretty cynical if our fortune read, “Three can keep a secret, if you get rid of two.” At first, it seems like this fortune is instructing the reader to “get rid” of anyone they’ve trusted. That’s dark.
Upon a second read, we thought perhaps it was just a roundabout way of saying don’t trust anyone with your secrets. It’s a rather depressing way of looking at the world, and certainly isn’t a topic we’d like to ponder at the end of a meal.
In case you’re struggling to read the only word on this tiny strip of paper, it says, “fail.” Nothing else. Just fail. At first, we assumed the purpose of this fortune was to actually encourage the reader to fail.
But then we realized that this depressing message is merely the byproduct of a printing misalignment. Ironically, the printing fail ended up being self-explanatory. Hopefully, the poor souls who got this message also realized that.
Rejoice In Getting Fined!
This fortune cookie claims, “A real patriot is the fellow who gets a parking ticket and rejoices that the system works.” We would beg to differ. When it comes to justice being served, we hardly think that a parking ticket is indicative of the system working.
In all fairness, parking tickets do have their purpose. Still, no one wants to be reminded of that while enjoying a Chinese meal. Just imagine if you read this fortune just before finding a ticket tucked into your windshield wiper!
You Will Marry A Competitive Eater
Fortune cookies are usually general to avoid offending a reader. This one threw that rule right out the window, reading, “You will marry a professional athlete– if competitive eating can be considered a sport.”
Last we checked, ordering Chinese takeout isn’t the same thing as signing up for a comedy roast. So, why does it feel like the author behind this fortune had some resentment to get out? They could have stopped at “athlete,” but then we wouldn’t have a joke to write about.
The UnInstalled Fortune
We would feel completely gypped if we opened up a fortune that read, “The program ‘fortune’ is currently not installed. You can install it by typing: sudo apt-get install fortune-mod.” It’s clear that some smart-mouth techy wrote this bogus fortune as a joke.
While the little claims found in fortune cookies aren’t meant to be taken seriously, pretending they’re real is part of the fun! This message takes the joy out of secretly wondering if there’s some truth to your random cookie prophecy.
The Threatening Fortune
There’s something offputting about this fortune stating, “You laugh now, wait till you get home.” It can be fun to pretend that your fortune cookie was specifically intended for you; but in this case, we wouldn’t want to believe this message was purposeful.
What if the reader was already home and read this? Would they shut the windows, lock the door, and hide under the covers? We wouldn’t put it past someone for feeling a little paranoid after receiving this threatening fortune.
We would love to believe this fortune that, “If you eat something and nobody sees you eat it, it has no calories.” While that claim obviously isn’t factual, it can be easier to indulge in a tasty treat without the judgemental eyes of others.
Especially if the person reading this was on a diet, this would be some comforting advice to receive. At least it would be until they realize they still gained weight.
Now We’re Panicking
This fortune may say, “Don’t panic,” but the message in and of itself gives reason to panic. It’s like telling someone not to think of an elephant; they inevitably think of one the moment you tell them not to.
Especially if you weren’t panicking before, you might second guess your calm state after reading this. If you were already nervous, this fortune might offer a bit of comfort. Or, it may exacerbate the feeling because now it seems like something’s about to go wrong.
This One Hits Too Close To Home
There’s a saying that goes, “Just because it’s right, doesn’t make it right.” That phrase comes to mind when we read this political fortune, which reads, “Blessed are the children for they shall inherit the national debt.”
While it is undeniable that future generations will live with the national debt of older generations, was it really necessary to put that in a cookie? With all the drama in the world, we should be allowed to eat our sweets in peace.
Ignoring Their Own Advice
This fortune actually has sounds advice, stating, “Never do anything halfway.” We can appreciate the message for encouraging the reader to follow through on things to the end. What ruins this seemingly insightful fortune is that it doesn’t follow its own advice!
Down at the bottom of this slip of paper is the start of another fortune. You can’t read that message, though, because it’s only halfway printed! It’s like someone cut the text in half on purpose for the sake of irony.
Promoting Plastic Surgery
The Reddit user who posted this image had the hilarious misfortune (pun intended) of getting not one, but two ridiculous fortunes in their cookie. The first one reads, “You should enhance your feminine side at this time.”
That message alone is enough to cause some offense. But then you read the second fortune that states, “An interesting medical opportunity is in your new future.” If we didn’t know better, we’d think this was an advertising ploy from a desperate plastic surgery company.
Don’t Try New Things
This fortune basically discourages trying new things, reading, “As long as you don’t sign up for anything new, you’ll do fine.” We can’t decide if this message is a compliment or a criticism.
On the one hand, it’s sort of a backward way of saying you’re currently doing things right. But on the other hand, the message implies that you will fail at anything you try moving forward. It essentially advises to stick with what you know or things will go south.
The Mediocre Life
This vague fortune states, “It could be better, but it’s good enough.” Since the author doesn’t specify what they mean by “it,” we have to assume they’re referring to life. If so, that’s certainly a glass-half-empty sort of outlook.
Even worse, the Reddit user who posted this image stated that his wife received this fortune on their anniversary! Hopefully, the couple doesn’t consider one another “good enough” compared to the other, “better” opportunities out there.
Calling Out Your Finances
This fortune has a rather cynical outlook, reading, “You are about to become $8.95 poorer. ($6.95 if you had the buffet).” First of all, a $6.95 buffet is a steal! It’s not like they bought an $80 filet mignon.
Secondly, saying someone’s going to become “poorer” implies they were already poor to begin with. Someone who is low on the financial scale probably wouldn’t appreciate the guilt trip. Plus, it’s not like buying food is a waste of money!
The Guilt Trip
This frightful fortune reads, “Your problem just got bigger. Think, what have you done.” If we received this message, we’d be wondering what in the world our “problem” is. Perhaps it’s referring to the reader’s stomach, which has literally gotten bigger as it’s filled with Chinese food.
Even so, a full stomach should be a solution rather than a problem. In reality, this fortune can refer to anything the reader deems as “issue” in their waking life, which is rather rude to blindly judge.
Pass The Bill!
This fortune commands the reader to “Pass the bill to the person of your left.” Not to come off like the grammar police, but right off the back it’s clear that “of” should be either “to” or “at.”
Now that we’ve got that out of the way, what’s with the demanding tone? We’d love to see someone try to pass the bill over to their dinner mate with the excuse, “My fortune made me do it!”
A Statement About Moose Bites
If you’re anything like us, you had to reread this fortune a few times just to make sure you weren’t seeing things. Indeed, the tiny strip of paper states, “A moose once bit my sister. Mynd you, moose bites Kan be pretti nasti..”
If we had to guess, we would assume that someone working at the fortune cookie factory decided to leave their job with a bang by typing up some nonsense. What better way to stick it to the man than to fill a bunch of fortune cookies with a terribly misspelled moose story?
Today Is Tomorrow’s Yesterday
This fortune encourages the reader to “Do it now! Today will be yesterday tomorrow.” The message is an unnecessarily complicated way to say the common phrase “There’s no time like the present.”
Instead of sticking to a cliche line, this author decided to zest things up by creating a fortune that is equal parts confusing and obvious. Of course today is tomorrow’s yesterday, that’s how time works! It doesn’t help that this photograph was taken at an angle so you have to tilt your head to read it.
Life Is Like A Salad
We’ve heard some pretty cheesy words of wisdom, but this fortune may top them all. It reads, “You are the crispy noodle in the vegetarian salad of life.” Is this supposed to insult vegetarians by calling out their boring diet?
And are we supposed to be flattered at being compared to a crispy noodle? If the point of this fortune cookie was to say you’re the best part of life, then we appreciate the sentiment but have to admit it’s quite a fail.