The British: our good ol' great-great-great-grandfather whom America disowned during the Revolutionary War. The English have been one of the most dominant global cultures in the world for centuries, and they have developed a really interesting and quirky national identity that, for the most part, makes the rest of the world confused.
These are some of the most intensely and uniquely British things that U.K. citizens have done that prove they've gone too far.
The Most Upperclass Busker Of All Time
I've seen people play the bongos while busking, the guitar, and once I even saw someone on the accordion, but someone playing the harp on the side of the road is the most British thing I've ever seen.
"Cheerio Germs" Is The Best Slogan Of All Time
The only slogan I've ever associated with any anti-bacterial cleaning product is "kills 99.9% percent of germs," but somehow "cheerio germs" just adds so much more flavor to the packaging.
As Someone Who Has Been To A U.K. Soccer Game, I Can Confirm
Going to a soccer game in England means that people are constantly yelling well-coordinated sentence-long phrases disparaging an individual player on the opposing team in an oddly specific way.
Once, I heard a chant about how a man's wife cheated on him with a foreign politician.
Breakfast To Go!
Why swing through the drive-thru to pick up a breakfast sandwich and hash brown when you could instead cook a full English breakfast and just bring it along on the bus?
Choo-Choo! Here Comes The Bratwurst Express!
I imagine that the owner of the butcher shop held a meeting with all the employees at the store to try to figure out how to improve the customer experience, and this was the best idea.
A National Crisis
If you thought that the Brits' obsession with tea and biscuits was just a weird trope America had exaggerated, you were wrong. A shortage of biscuits is nothing to joke about.
A Riveting Trilogy In Brighton
I am suddenly very invested in this escalating saga between the seagulls and the students. I can't wait for the much-awaited fourth installation in the story as the plot thickens.
Why Teach When You Have A BBC Interview?
This must be the British professor version of being an amateur internet rapper trying to force all of your friends, family, and online followers to listen to your mediocre mixtape.
Carbs On Carbs On Carbs
I've heard of some disgusting things being put on sandwiches, but there's something so extreme and borderline psychotic about making a sandwich by putting a whole pie onto a buttered bun.
I Didn't Even Know It Was Possible To Return Food To A Grocery Store
I have never felt more alive than when I read, quote: "Character of bread has now changed. Not as good." The fact that the woman got a full refund was the cherry on top.
No Air Conditioning? No Problem
Taking public transit can be irritating because you can't maintain any control over the temperature or other conditions, but this guy thought of a unique solution to feeling a little toasty on the train.
Important News Updates In The U.K.
What do you think passes for important news in England? You might think of updates on the royal family or information on politics, but really it's the number of days it's been raining for.
If All Else Fails, Use The Twister Mat
Can't find your pride flag in time for the annual pride parade? Don't worry! You can always hang up the floor mat from Twister as an alternative in a pinch!
Seriously, Who Names British Towns?
I can't imagine how awful it was to try and navigate across the U.K. back in the days before GPS and having to try and explain that you were passing Thurgarton to the driver while you read the map in the passenger seat.
Did She Need To Make Sure The Bread Fit?
I can understand wanting to get the best toaster possible, but I'm genuinely curious as to why a bread sample was necessary. I mean, wouldn't you need to actually toast it to know if the toaster was good?
...So He Cooked Dinner?
I love that an actual news outlet in England thought that talking about a man learning new recipes and cooking at home was an article worth putting onto their website.
I Want To See Footage Of This Police Chase
I need to know the story—where did the cow run away from? Why were the police involved in the situation? How did it escalate to the point where the cow had to be taken out?
This Is A Real Job Title
Brits are known for their love of pastries and pies, but the fact that someone in England actually has a job dedicated to researching and developing the technology of mince pies is the most British thing I've ever seen.
How Are They Supposed To Make Tea Now?
British citizens, picture this: You've just come home after a long day at work and are looking forward to having a cuppa with some biscuits only to realize the kettle is broken. Do you cry, or do you microwave the water?
As Compared To The "Right" Sort Of Heat
To clarify, this article is actually about the problems commuters have been facing with overheated train cars without proper air conditioning during a heatwave, yet somehow this is the headline they settled on.
I Could Actually See This Happening
I genuinely imagine that a British person could get stabbed by someone else and, while bleeding out in the street, would say something like "I'm proper pissed right now, mate."
Trifle, But Make It Breakfast Food
Trifle is normally a fun layered dessert filled with fruit and cream, but somehow the British managed to make it out of potatoes, eggs, and bacon as a weird hybrid between breakfast and dessert.
Ah Yes, That Should Be The Main Point Of Concern
There's nothing that can help advance the people's need for better amenities, such as parking, than a casual festival regarding not-safe-for-work topics. If only there were more ways to help improve parking availability.
That Swan Does Not Seem Old Enough To Enter A Pub
The joke goes, a swan walks into a bar and makes its way to a table. What ensued was chaos for all of the customers, servers, and bartenders. This actually isn't a joke, that's just what happened.
Finally, Something To Remember
Don't know what intense historical event to commemorate in your small town? Why not choose the Black Death, a plague that killed millions of people and nearly destroyed society in the Middle Ages?
Find New Ways To Use A Paella Dish
Paella is a traditional Spanish dish made from rice, vegetables, and chicken, seafood, pork or beef. These fellas, however. decided to borrow their mate's paella dish to cook and enormous English breakfast.
Hold Up—"Lollipop Ladies"?
Just when I thought that British slang and terminology could not get more ridiculous, I had to learn that people in England refer to crossing guards as "lollipop ladies"? I'm sick.
The Truth Hurts
The media has done so much to convince us that British guys are the cream of the crop with their accents, but in reality, they are all basically Ed Sheerans knocking back pints with the lads at the pub.
What A Valuable PSA
The British people really said, "If you're going to use and abuse illegal substances, you might as well develop an addiction to something really intense and life-ruining while you're at it!"
The Legal Age There Is 18, FYI
When teachers told us that mental math was going to be an important skill when we grew up, I brushed it off. However, I guess doing basic addition and subtraction is important for bartenders.
Why Did They Have To Expose The Passenger Like That?
First of all, describing someone as an "unusually large passenger" might be the most British thing I've ever read. Secondly, would it have been so hard to spare that person's dignity and just say there was a delay?
This Is The Most Calmy-Handled Home Invasion Ever
Okay, picture this: you're asleep alone in your home as a woman when you hear someone entering your house. You walk downstairs to find a strange man on your couch. Do you a) call the cops, b) try to scare him away, or c) gently wake him up and talk it out?
Just Another Day With A Cow Watching Them Eat Breakfast
In movies, when they show the English countryside, you generally see images of rolling hills and gorgeous old estates. No one warns you about the roaming cows who have no respect for privacy!
No Trips Into The Garden For You!
When it comes to theft, people normally worry about their jewelry, electronics, cash, or important documents being taken from their homes. However, garden pathways seem to be a hot commodity in Britain.
Even In Crisis, They're Snobs About Baked Beans
Baked beans are an essential part of a traditional English breakfast, so I can understand why, when quarantine hit, the locals emptied the shelves. However, not even in desperate times will they buy this brand of beans.
Only A Brit Would Compare A Juul To A Clarinet
In the past few years, e-cigarettes and vapes have become extremely popular, especially with the younger crowd. While I have heard a lot of people mock the devices in many different ways, this is the first time I've seen someone use the word "clarinet".
That Uniform Has Been Through Hell
In every film, school children in the U.K. are shown wearing adorable little uniforms and being fairly well-behaved little munchkins. However, it's nice to know their kids are just as messy as ours.
Instead Of Ads, They Have Tweets On The Subway
Prime ad space on public transportation isn't cheap, with all of our busses and subways being covered in marketing from different companies, but the Brits apparently are more focused on giving passengers a chuckle.
Nothing Brings People Together Like Mocking!
I don't know where Kent is or what is supposedly horrible about it, but it's beautiful to see people overcoming their individual struggles and coming together to hate the town!
British people, despite all of their differences from American culture and their quirks that we can't quite understand, are proud of their national culture, and we have to admire them for it.