Look, we've all seen a spatula shaped like a sloth in a home goods store and thought, "Nah, that's not for me," and walked away. Well, not only are these products weirder and way less adorable than a sloth-patula, but we're 99% sure that there's not a single person who would buy them.
This stuff somehow got made and put on store shelves. I don't know who green-lit any of these ideas, but I can guarantee you it wasn't anyone you know.
A Mobile Fidget Spinner Seems Counterproductive
Maybe I'm crazy, but I thought the whole point of using a fidget spinner was to annoy everyone around you. This app seems like it wouldn't do that? I'm confused at the point of this addition to the Apple store.
This Marie Antoinette Salt And Pepper Shaker Will Revolutionize Your Cooking
This one is made for the history buff who's not quite over Marie's controversial bread comments. You can bet they're gleefully shaking salt from her severed head into their next pumpernickel mix.
Don't Confuse It For A Cold One
Let me paint a picture for you: You're hosting a cookout, all your friends are there, it's 6 p.m., you've been drinking all day and are thirsty for another, your buddy Randy watches the steak while you grab another brewski, and you drink a cold can of chicken stock.
A Beach Floatie For Your Goth Friend
Even goths like to enjoy the summertime and have fun at the beach. Make them feel included with a giant coffin floatie that's as weirdly bright and joyful looking as it is frightening.
Dip Holsters, Because Why Not?
Give yourself a mouth disease in style by packing a lip from your super cool dip holster. You may think you look like a cowboy doing it, but you really look like a 14-year-old who just got off the baseball field and is waiting for his mom to pick him up.
Scented Tape, Just In Case You Wanted To Freak People Out By Smelling Tape
Tape does not need to be scented because you don't need to be smelling it. It's the same thing with markers—why would they make something smell so good that will only betray you with purple marks on your face if you smelled too closely?
Just Imagine A Thermal Toilet Seat In A Public Bathroom
We all already willfully pretend that hundreds and thousands of stranger's butts haven't touched the seat, so the last thing we need is a visual reminder. This is one step up from that awful feeling when the toilet seat is still warm when you sit down.
In Case You Wanted Some Responsibility On Your Vacation
I like the idea, but I also hate the idea. The last thing I'm trying to do when I'm staying in a cheap hotel trying to wait out my layover is to stare into the dead eyes of the "lonely fish."
Jalapeno M&M's Are Reserved For People Without Taste Buds
I love how M&M's made this in a "share size," as if anyone in your life is going to want any of these. Whoever likes the taste of chocolate, spice, and peanut in one crunchy mouthful can just enjoy that niche satisfaction by themselves, thank you.
Finally, A Piercing So You Don't Lose Your Glasses
This is an over-solution. Like, yeah, you'll never lose your glasses again, but now all of your friends and family are concerned about you and your well-being, and you're having trouble getting an office job.
Your Cat Is Going To Run Away If You Buy This
Just stop it. If you're a pet owner and you want to feel this close to your pet, you need to get it in your head that cats don't like us very much. They're just waiting for the day you leave your social security number on the counter to snatch it and steal your identity.
Black Cotton Swabs Defeat The Purpose
Even though we "know" not to put cotton swabs in our ears, let's just be honest for a second, that's the only reason we buy them. So what's the point of buying black ones if you can't see all the gunk you're ripping out?
The Hardhat For The Cowboy Who's Got A Construction Shift Later
Okay, to be fair, someone would buy this, but it's a very specific kind of Southern folk. Either they've got two jobs and no time to change, or they work on a horse ranch with a horse that's fond of high-kicking people in the head. I can only assume it's the Jackie Chan horse scenario.
As If This Lock Would Stop Any Of Your Family Members
This is a nice idea, but let's face it: nobody would buy this. Whether you're trying to stop yourself at 3 a.m. or your family members from eating your ice cream, you can pretty much bet on someone ripping this carton open and chowing down anyway. It's a law as true as Murphy's.
You Know The Corner Of The Internet That Would Buy This Leather Bra Backpack
You know exactly who would wear this backpack. They're the person right on the last page of that Craigslist section, they charge by the hour, and they make you reconsider how you feel about red wax Christmas candles.
...Why Not Just Buy Gloves?
Fingerless gloves are a thing, you know. They make them for people who try too hard at the gym and those of us who want to text in the winter. As a society, handerpants weren't a need we needed to fill.
The Sequel Literally Nobody Asked For
I read about this and apparently the only reason someone bought this game was to annoy someone if they pulled out Uno at a party. And yeah, that's about the only use I can see for this.
All Of These Sauces Make My Blood Run Cold
I don't want to be dramatic and say that these sauces exemplify everything that's unholy and wrong in the world, but I will anyway. This is some true unrefrigerated terror.
The Only Rubik's Cube I Could Solve
You know that someone bought this as a joke but secretly thought it was a great idea. You know what this is? The puzzle game equivalent of a participation ribbon.
I Have Questions About The $17 "Avocado Sock"
I'd love to know what the fridge of this Etsy shop owner looks like. I have a feeling there's no vegetable crisper in it, and there's no tinfoil in sight. Just a theory.
Bubble Tea Flavored Popcorn Just Seems Like A Bad Idea To Me
This is just wild because it doesn't specify which part of the bubble tea it tastes like. If it's the tea, I can wrap my head around it because that's kind of like kettle corn. But the slimy tapioca balls???
These Are Supposed To Make You Swim Faster
Okay, future Michael Phelps, sit down. Nobody needs to look like an idiot in their recreational aquafit class just to swim slightly faster than Karen, who drives a 2006 Toyota Sienna.
Your redneck neighbor, who's got two broken-down cars without wheels in his front yard and at least three "Beware of Dog" signs for his blind pitbull Rocky, has this couch on his porch. And he loves it.
You've Seen The Cat Backpack Versions...
I'm glad this dude is happy, because his parrot certainly isn't. I'd love to be inside of his head when he's justifying carrying poor Polly around the subway while Polly's plotting his end.
I Can't Think Of A Worse Way To Start The Day
Why would any company ever make a sour sugary cereal like this? If you even thought about eating this for breakfast, I can guarantee you that you'll lose a leg from that insulin spike.
Now You Can Erase Till The Cows Come Home
These are for, I don't know, students in farming school? For people who like to pretend to gallop with their fingers on their desks at work to annoy everyone in their area? There are so many niche and annoying demographics.
If Taking The Purrfect Selfie Is A Concern For You, You Need To Reprioritize
Let me just dust off my soapbox for a second—nobody cares if your pet is looking at the camera in your selfie. Sure, it would be nice, but we realize it's an animal that doesn't know what a phone is, so we really don't care.
I Don't Know A Single Person Who Would Want To Feel Grass Between Their Toes
What's worse than the feeling of grass on your wet feet? Can you think of anything? Because I definitely can't. Oh, maybe paying $10 for a pair of shower flip flops to recreate that same feeling.
Ruin Christmas With These
Calling all terrible aunts and uncles, this is the stocking-stuffer you need this year for your nieces and nephews. Don't settle for ruining their Christmases like you normally do by buying them Dollar Tree socks, get them something they'll really hate instead.
Starburst And Skittles Scented Candles For That College Student Trying To Be Classy
Only children trying to decorate would buy these candles—aka college students. Brad would bring home a cartload of these to his frat brothers and tell them they're sure to impress some women because they remind him of his mom's Vanilla Sugar Scentsy.