Let's all take the time to pour one out for the ancestors of every streaming service: the VHS. Kids these days will never know what it's like to rewind a movie or go to a store to rent one for a two-day time period. They'll also never know the level of camp that came with these flicks.
It's not just that these VHS covers make us giggle. The ridiculous plots, tape swaps, and colors also make us want to run and dust off our old VCR. Take a look at some of the funniest and most nostalgic VHS tapes.
How To Choose, Grow & Style The Perfect Beard Or Mustache Was The OG Manscaping Guide
"How to" VHS videos were all the rage way back when. But when you go to the store and see How To Choose, Grow & Style The Perfect Beard Of Mustache, there's zero chance you're leaving without it in your cart.
We wish we had a VCR lying around because we're very curious about how many different styles Richard Karn (of Home Improvement fame) has up his sleeve with that Wahl razor. Oh, the things that keep us up at night.
The Making Of The Coming Out Of Their Shells Tour...Enough Said
As a kid growing up with the VHS player, you know you hit the big time if you had The Making Of The Coming Out Of Their Shells Tour in your catalog. The tape showed a live musical tour that happened during the summer of 1990. The best part about the concert was that it was endorsed by Pizza Hut.
The "tour" is generally known for the terrible costumes and non-existent plot. But if you're watching a band of teenage mutant ninja turtles, we're not entirely sure what you're expecting.
Who Can Forget The Dog Sitter?
Laugh all you want, but with how crazy dog parents are nowadays, having a Dog Sitter VHS wouldn't be such a bad thing! The film literally plays sounds and sights you'd find in nature on repeat... perfect for any dog who's home alone.
All you'd have to worry about is your pooch getting addicted to television and not if they're ripping a hole in the couch. There are even parts that are shot with a doggie cam! If that doesn't say "quality content" we're not sure what does.
Teen Mothers Was A Thing Before MTV Reality Shows
Unfortunately, MTV wasn't first to develop a plot around teen mothers. It's just amazing that this kind of entertainment has been around since the time of VHS tapes! And can we please talk about the slogan for the film, "she was 14 -- he was 15." What on Earth!
Who are these two children and how did their parents allow them to act in this film? We'd be lying if we said we didn't wish we had a VCR to see what the movie is all about.
Robo Vampire Was Riding The Wave Of Robocop's Success
So, Robo Vampire may very well have been created for the sole purpose of making a few bucks after the whole Robocop craze. The creators of the film took it a bit too far, though, making the robot a vampire. And -- plot twist -- the title character only turns into this robot vampire hybrid halfway through the film! Talk about suspense.
Anywho, here's to hoping someone makes a Twilight/Robo Vampire mashup. It's what the people need in life!
Zombie Vs. Ninja Is Just The Right Amount Of Camp
Yes, Zombie vs. Ninja is an actual movie and no, you won't be able to find it on any of your streaming services. The only true way to watch this cinematic masterpiece is to dust off your old VCR, pop in the tape, and watch as Ethan learns how to fight the dead.
The 1987 film has a solid one and a half star rating and deserves every bit of your attention. Just be sure to make a lot of popcorn!
Return of Jafar Was The VHS Of Our Childhood
Just when you thought he was gone and trapped in a lamp forever, Jafar returns. There was nothing quite like waking up on a Saturday morning, rewinding the sequel to Aladdin, and watching The Return of Jafar with a bowl of cereal.
If you didn't have this VHS growing up, then you made friends with someone who did. Going through life not knowing if the evil Jafar wins is no way to live.
The Black Gestapo's Cover Has A Lot Going On
Honestly, the cover of this VHS speaks wonders! There's nothing quite like a 1975 mob movie before mob movies were cool. Director Lee Frost definitely had a vision when he was making this film because it is quite the experience.
Who doesn't like watching a private army take out white mobsters? It sounds like a great movie night! The only problem is that we would need to find our VCR before diving into this feature film.
Gymkata. Because Who Doesn't Love A Crime-Fighting Gymnast?
Where do we start with Gymkata? How about the end, because the final fight in the gymnastic-martial arts film is too good to pass up. Well, when we say "good," we mean horribly fantastic. The end of the film has the main character, Cabot, fighting for his life and what do ya know, there is a pommel-horse in the town square.
Now, there are zero reasons for a pommel-horse to be anywhere except a gym. But we can't help but appreciate the writers who thought it was a good idea.
Rugrats In Paris Had The Coveted Orange VHS
If you were lucky enough to have a coveted orange VHS tape, you were probably one of the most popular kids on the street. Not only did you get to watch Rugrats in Paris, but you had something no one else did -- a non-black VHS.
It was a simpler time when kids were jealous over the color of one another's tapes. Can we go back to that time? We miss watching Spike the dog fall in love with a poodle.
Kids Will Never Know The Two-Tape Struggle Of Titanic
Kids today will never know the struggle of having to get up from your comfy spot on the couch to swap out the tapes of Titanic. That's right, there was an intermission and you had to switch out tape one for tape two. The worst part was that once you made the switch, you knew everything was about to go to hell.
Even the covers were sad! The first shows Jack and Rose all cute and in love and the second they look like drowned rats while the ship is sinking. Pretty much, tape two was zero fun.
Survival Guide To Microsoft Windows 95 Was A Campy Lifesaver
We love that Windows 95 has a survival guide for people who didn't know how to use the Internet. Technology has come such a long way from dial-up! Too bad this generation of kids have zero clue what it's like to be kicked off the computer because your parents had to make a phone call.
It was like we were living in medieval times! At least those same parents had a handy-dandy survival guide so they didn't have to ask their 10-year-old everything!
You Can't But Laugh At Tonin' Dowtown With Richard Simmons
Let's all take a minute and thank Mr. Richard Simmons for all of the workout VHS gold that he supplied us with in the '80s and '90s. Not only did he bring the term "jazzercise" into full effect, but he made working out more entertaining than it should ever be.
We're not sure about you, but we're heading to the nearest pawnshop for a VCR so we can watch some of these fool-proof workouts in Tonin' Downtown. (He might have benefited from a different title!).
Cool Legato Phrases Has Some Bold Typesetting
Can we first point out that the Microsoft word art was a bold move for the title? Nothing says "I made this video in my mom's basement" quite like 3D lettering. We see you, Derryl, you were only trying to make a statement.
The issue is that the "I'm trying my best to look tough while holding a guitar" is falling flat. But we'll give you the benefit of the doubt and check out your VHS tape on Cool Legato Phrases.
Jughead The Hunger Versus Vampironica Left Us With More Questions Than Answers
Aside from the obvious hit of nostalgia after seeing the "be kind please rewind" sticker, there are so many questions when it comes to Jughead The Hunger Versus Vampironica. The first is if this movie was made to be serious. If so, then we salute those responsible for their valiant effort. We mean, the wolf is wearing a jeweled crown here, people.
Regardless, we think that a viewing party of this film is in order. We kind of want to know who wins the final battle!
The Body Break VHS Cover Is Something To Be Admired
Everything about the cover of Body Break screams '80s workout video, from the spandex body-suits to the horrible mustache. Is it just us, or is Joanne way too excited about that green apple in her hand? Her smile is a bit more psychopath and a lot less "are you ready to get fit."
We're also not sure how great of instructors they are. After all, who would want to take advice from someone who has to hold up their own elbow? Yes, we're talking about you, Joanne.
Goosebumps Were Kid Horror Movies That Were Funnier Than Scary
Seeing the Goosebumps VHS tapes is a weird type of nightmare PTSD we never asked for. Do we run, do we watch them, do we hide under our covers like we're 10-year-olds again? The options are endless!
All joking aside, you know you had a good childhood when the hardest part of your week was coming to a compromise with your siblings on whether or not you should rent A Night In Terror Tower or The Werewolf of Fever Swamp from Blockbuster.
Devil In The House Of Exorcism Was A Must-See
There is something to be said about wonderfully horrible horror movies. They end up gaining a cult following and are just too amusing not to watch. Devil in the House of Exorcism is like a messed-up version of the "House of Usher."
Only instead of a cursed living family, the family happens to be the walking dead and they're taking living people as prisoners. As you can tell from the VHS cover, it is worth your time to watch. The effects alone make it worth your while.
Erotikill Could Benefit From Leaving Off The Plot Summary
Nothing says weird vampire movie quite like Erotikill. Honestly, the best part of the entire film is actually the summary on the back of the VHS box! It literally gives a play by play of the movie, including what happens at the end.
So, you literally don't have to watch the movie if you read it. That being said, we're still going to dust off the old VCR because this film is too campy to pass up.
Troll Has Some of the Best/Worst Makeup And Effects
If you enjoy movies with horrible makeup and even worse special effects, we ask that you find a VCR and a VHS copy of Trolls. These bad boys are tomato red and look like they're allergic to bees with how swollen their hands are. It makes sense as to why the wicked troll king wanted to find the mystical ring and transform himself into a human. Yes, that is the plot.
Also, the fact that the main character's name is Harry Potter should lead you to believe that this movie is marvelous. Spoiler: there is no wand waving in this film.