Kids Ask For Some Strange Christmas Gifts, And Mall Santas Shared The Weirdest Ones
The mind of a child is a confusing place. Children's brains are still rapidly developing, so their thought processes and the way their neurons fire sometimes just seem a little off.
Thankfully, the results can be shockingly hilarious (and also sometimes mortifying for the parents.) Here are some of the funniest things kids have asked Santa for while visiting them at the mall.
He's Just A Little Hungry
This child had a very simple request for Santa: "A piece of toast."
In this child's defense, toast is a delicious and versatile food and deserves more credit. Buttered? Delicious. Smeared with jam? Excellent. Use to make a nice, melty, sandwich? Basically magic. But we're guessing that the kid didn't know that you can ask Santa for anything your heart desires, not just what you want to eat for breakfast.
Give Him A Taste Of His Own Medicine!
"This four or five-year-old girl told me she wanted "one of those loud horns". She made a gesture like she was using those canned air horns and she made a little horn sound. She said she wants to use it to wake up her baby brother when he naps in the daytime so he 'knows what it's like'."
Hoo boy, that baby is in for a rough ride with her for a sister!
Tell The Truth, St. Nick, If That's Even Your Name
"For me to 'stop upholding this charade'." This kid did not come to play. He is sick of the systemically and commercially perpetuated lies and he just wants the truth to be given to the public.
Here we have it, a future Snowden in the making. We hope his parents are prepared to spend lots of time away from their child as he gets older and more involved in international espionage.
Who Needs eHarmony When You Have A Kid?
"I'm not a mall Santa, but my friend was one. He said that the weirdest thing he heard from a kid was a husband for his mom." Honestly, this is kind of sweet. Good job, kid!
Some children don't really have much of an interest in their parents' well-being, so for this little guy to recognize that his mom wanted a soul mate is pretty cool. We hope his Christmas wish came true!
A Thoughtful Animal Poacher
"My three-year-old son asked Santa once for a baby rhino. Santa told him that the baby rhino's mama would be very sad to lose her baby though. Then my son said, 'Okay, well I'll take the mama too. Maybe she can sleep in my mom's bed.'"
No big deal, really. If you're adopting one rhino it's clearly going to be just as easy to take a second one. They can share their toys and all that.
This Little Girl Is So Petty And I Love It
"Yesterday the big sister asked for a pet mouse, and then the little sister asked for a snake." Having an older sibling is just an endless challenge to find new ways to torment them, and this little sister is clearly succeeding at it.
We'd have to hear the follow-up to know whether the little sibling is just teasing playfully or if she's totally demonic. If she fed the big sister's mouse to a snake, then I think we're looking at another Damien or something.
Um... Ew. Someone Collect Robin Arryn
"I'm not a mall Santa, but my dad was for a long time. One kid asked for his mom's milk. He was about seven years old."
I have a lot of questions about this, but I'm also sure that I don't want any of the answers. So instead we'll just think about the fact that Santa drinks so much milk with his cookies on Christmas. Does it ever make him sick?
Step One: Coffee Maker; Step Two: Profit
"My uncle was a Santa and he told me that one year a kid asked for a coffee maker because he wanted to start his own Starbucks coffee stand instead of a lemonade stand. Apparently business was not very good as a lemonade stand but he noticed a lot of adults drink coffee, so he'd make coffee. That kid is probably a millionaire now."
Come to think of it, a cup of coffee sounds pretty good at the moment. We wish he had a stand right outside.
The Costco Food Line Is Much Shorter
"After waiting two hours in line, my daughter asked Santa for a hot dog." Two hours in line to meet Santa, and she could have had everything she wanted with a two-minute wait and $1.50 in the food line at Costco.
This is a lot like that kid in the earlier slide who asked for a piece of toast once he reached Santa. Someone needs to teach these kids to aim bigger!
This Sadistic Little Gal
"I was a Santa at a party last week. A kid asked for a whistle that she could blow at night to wake her mom up and scare her when she was sleeping. I said, 'No, that would put you on the Naughty list, let your mom sleep you little gremlin.' Her mom laughed."
I mean, does anyone win when mom's scared or upset? She's kind of the voice of reason in the house a lot of the time, so why would you want to do this to her?
Imagine Being This Kid's Parents...
"I once asked Santa for my parents to get a divorce." Imagine that you're having a few marriage problems and then, whilst trying to patch things up for the holidays, your kid asks for you and your spouse to break up forever.
And it's not just that he asked, it's that he asked a complete stranger in front of a bunch of other strangers. We know what their next marriage counseling session will cover.
What A Reasonable Ask
"I once asked for bread with no crust. Come Christmas Day, I actually got an entire loaf of bread with no crust." This is the kind of kid I want to have. So simple, so easily pleased.
We know a kid who asked for a breadmaker for Christmas and he got a lot of guff about it which we don't understand. What is wrong with a warm loaf of homemade bread? Nothing.
She's Just Trying To Hold Everything Together!
"Not the weirdest, but my favorite thing I have heard a kid ask for. At my daughter's preschool, there was a Santa. Kids were asking for the usual things, like toys and unicorns. One little girl goes up. You can tell she is thinking really hard. She asks for 2 rolls of tape."
We're going out on a limb and suggesting that she's thinking of going home and wrapping some Christmas gifts.
A Small Clout-Chaser
"My sister asked Santa if she could have a horse's head and an ice cream cone. She explained that she was gonna paint the ice cream cone the color of the horse, stick it on, mount the horse's head to the wall, and tell her friends she killed a unicorn."
OK. We think that a therapy session or two might be in order for this little kid. And maybe her friends too.
...And That Boy Grew Up To Be Ebenezer Scrooge
"Reindeer eggs so he could start his own franchise." Excuse me, but how many of these kids have spent way too much time (as in, any time at all) watching The Wolf of Wall Street?
This kid has his eye on the prize. We think maybe he should get together with the coffee franchise kid from an earlier slide and see what they can come up with when they brainstorm ideas.
Ah Yes, The Classic Freudian Slip
"My sister asked Santa for 'Black Men' for Christmas. She meant Men in Black." Can you imagine being that Santa and getting that request while a group of onlookers waited for your reaction? I would have to quit the job on the spot after spitting my hot coffee all over everyone.
At least her family knew exactly what she really meant. It's a great movie, hope she got it under the tree that year!
Just Wanted To Catch 'Em All, I Guess
"As an elf at a charity event, I overheard a kid asking Santa for a real-life Pokémon, not a toy—a living Pokémon. The kid was sat there for about five minutes making sure Santa fully understood the request."
We hope Santa didn't spend too much time trying to honor this child's innocent request, because, you know... they're not real, living things. Maybe a stuffed animal will tide them over until the Pokémon craze dies down.
Oddly Specific And Slightly Disturbing
"I read a letter from a child who asked for a dolphin, specifically not autistic. Not sure if he had had a bad experience with disabled dolphins or what, but he was about six-years-old."
If this child did have a bad experience with a dolphin, we have a lot of questions there. They're not exactly animals you run into every day, so we're guessing he had an encounter at a therapy center? Odd.
What Is Blue Juice? Serious Answers Only
"When I was a little kid, about three or four-years-old, I told a mall Santa that I wanted blue juice for Christmas. The Santa looked at my mom like wtf does he mean by this? and my mom was just as clueless as he was."
Blue juice is clearly Powerade or one of those other beverages. It's not like the kid meant antifreeze or some bizarre poison. He just wanted to drink what the other cool kids were drinking.
Someone Get Me A Kleenex!
"I'm a teacher. I had one of my most difficult, obstinate, button-pusher kids come in at recess to talk to me. He said he was worried he would not get what he really wanted—to be a real elf, move to the North Pole, and make all the presents."
We spend so much time telling kids that they can be anything they want when they grow up. Maybe that's not such a good idea.
Hopped Out Of The Womb With A Passion For Landscaping
"When I was five-years-old (49 years ago) I asked a Santa in JC Penny's for a real lawnmower, the kind that my dad uses. They had me hold a microphone up to my mouth. My answer (along with every other kid I presume) was broadcast throughout the whole store. I can still hear the laughter from the adults."
We bet everyone who was in the store that day remembers this kid's announcement!
Honestly, Some Of My Friends Are In The Same Boat
"There was a boy, who wanted a girlfriend. He was about five or six-years-old." I know a slew of guys who would really like to have a girlfriend too, if Santa is still taking requests. They really need the help.
Seriously, after all we've read, it's pretty clear that Santa needs to start a dating service. Maybe the kids who are getting into the coffee business together can help him out with a business plan.
I Just Know This Person Grew Up To Have A Weird Obsession With Stationery
"I know the weirdest thing I asked for was a pen that could write like a pen, pencil, marker, and crayon. I'd never seen one but was sure Santa could make it. I got a four-color pen instead."
And just what is wrong with a four-color pen? I had a three-color pen and it was awesome. A four-color pen would have sent me over the edge to full superstardom in my 4th grade classroom.
"No Sweetie, The Food Line Is That Way!"
"My neighbor was a Santa for a community brunch years ago and a little girl asked for a cheeseburger." In this girl's defense, I would much rather chow down on a cheeseburger than French toast at brunch.
Hunger keeps getting in the way of these kids' requests. Someone should remember to feed the children before they have to meet with Santa and ask him to give them something special for Christmas.
Okay, But This One Is Actually So Cute
"There was a special-needs 20-something guy that would come by nearly every day and remind Santa what he wanted for Christmas. His list was Home Alone on DVD, Straight Outta Compton on DVD, and Prince's 1999 album on CD. Santa was awesome and brought him the Prince CD a few days before Christmas."
Um, that was totally awesome of Santa. This guy's Christmas list might just be the same as mine this year.
Just Trying To Lighten Up A Bit
"My nine-year-old kid asked for lightbulbs. I am sure Santa wasn't expecting that." In these dark, winter evenings, we all probably need a little more light in our lives. This nine-year-old is pioneering an initiative to help reduce seasonal depression. Not the mental health advocate we deserve, but the one we need.
Christmas can be a really tough time of year for a lot of people. As much as we're joking around here, it's good to treat everyone with kindness all year, but especially during the holidays.
How Did He Know What That Was?!
"I'm not a mall Santa, but I heard this kid say: sex doll. You should have seen his parents' faces." I'm hoping that an older kid at school thought it would be funny to tell him to ask for that, and not that he really wanted one. Please let that be what happened.
We wonder if the kid remembers this story, and if so, how embarrassed they are by it. If at all.
Choose A Better Soccer Team To Cheer For
"My older sister is an elf this year, and a six-year-old boy said that he just wanted Man United to win the premier league. What's best is that the Santa said, 'I can't work miracles now, kid.'"
Hey, Santa is just telling it like it is. The kid is already aware of his team's standing, this is just friendly sports banter. Pretty cute stuff, really. Maybe they'll grab a pint at the pub after this.
Police!!! Come Get This Child!!
"I saw one ask for Santa's corpse while I was at the mall." There's nothing like working as a mall Santa and trying to spread holiday cheer only to have a literal psychopath in the making sit on your lap and demand your lifeless body!
We wonder if the kid was put up to this by somebody. It doesn't seem like the kind of thing a kid would actually ask for at all.
Surprise! You're Getting Nothing
"So literally last night, we took my kids to see Santa and when asked what she wants for Christmas she says, 'A surprise!' Santa was so surprised he didn't know what to say."
Well, they really blew an opportunity here because it doesn't sound like a response was really needed other than "OK Sally, I'll be sure to surprise you with something fun on Christmas." How were they left speechless by this request?
